I want to blame someone. I always do, it’s always them it’s not YOU. You deserve it, the wonderful life you’ve dreamed of. You deserve it more than anyone in the world because you’re the center, the whole entire center, of your own universe. Why is it so hard for you to get what YOU want, what have you ever done to deserve this. Nothing my darling it’s not your fault, close your eyes and tomorrow will be better. Because you, you deserve it.
He broke her heart she said, as she cried herself to sleep each night. Why did he do this to her, why did he shatter her soul. How dare he, why did he, I love him, I wouldn’t do this to him, she told herself each night. I wouldn’t do this to him, because I love him.
She did it. She let it happen to herself. She loved him. She didn’t love herself.
She used to think she was owed something. That life, it owed her because it put her through some really difficult times, more difficult than the people around her, so it seemed. Every day she thought just give me something back, please, I deserve it, please.
She worked harder than the people around her, she isn’t given security like they are, she hasn’t had the opportunities they have. It’s harder for her and they all take it for granted. She was angry, she deserved peace of mind, she deserved happiness, she thought.
Everybody thinks that whether they want to admit it to themselves or not, they think they deserve something. That life it owes them, because they’ve endured some difficulty.
Life owes you nothing.
People owe you nothing.
Her heart was broken and she was drowning, nobody could understand how she felt, not even herself.
I made a decision that I wasn’t going to blame him for this pain. Instead I chose to blame myself, not entirely, but I wanted to recognise, be honest with myself and accept that I made the decision to involve myself in something which I knew was dangerous. It was dark, lonely and frightened me to comprehend that the way I was feeling was due to some of my own decisions.
You’ve got to stop blaming people, blaming society, blaming the world for your choices indirectly or not. We are society, you have a voice. Use it. I’m sick of hearing blame; life is hard it’s so god dam hard it knocks you to the curb a thousand times, sometimes the knock is so powerful that you don’t think you’ll ever be able to walk again.
But you can get up. You can accept your part in all of this and you can change, try harder, work harder, love harder, you can accept that people are bad, but people they are also good.
Learn and accept that it is harder to be nice.
Do you know that it is harder to be nice to people, it takes more strength to be nice to people, more muscles in your face to smile.
She decided that as hard as it was, all of it, she wasn’t going to spend her one life as a sellout. A sellout to love, a sellout to money, a sellout to the mainstream, a sellout to herself.
The hardest part of her journey had only just begun.