Game of Blame

I want to blame someone. I always do, it’s always them it’s not YOU. You deserve it, the wonderful life you’ve dreamed of. You deserve it more than anyone in the world because you’re the center, the whole entire center, of your own universe. Why is it so hard for you to get what YOU want, what have you ever done to deserve this. Nothing my darling it’s not your fault, close your eyes and tomorrow will be better. Because you, you deserve it.

 

He broke her heart she said, as she cried herself to sleep each night. Why did he do this to her, why did he shatter her soul. How dare he, why did he, I love him, I wouldn’t do this to him, she told herself each night. I wouldn’t do this to him, because I love him.

 

She did it. She let it happen to herself. She loved him. She didn’t love herself.

 

She used to think she was owed something. That life, it owed her because it put her through some really difficult times, more difficult than the people around her, so it seemed. Every day she thought just give me something back, please, I deserve it, please.

 

She worked harder than the people around her, she isn’t given security like they are, she hasn’t had the opportunities they have. It’s harder for her and they all take it for granted. She was angry, she deserved peace of mind, she deserved happiness, she thought.

 

Everybody thinks that whether they want to admit it to themselves or not, they think they deserve something. That life it owes them, because they’ve endured some difficulty.

 

Life owes you nothing.

 

People owe you nothing.

 

Her heart was broken and she was drowning, nobody could understand how she felt, not even herself.

I made a decision that I wasn’t going to blame him for this pain. Instead I chose to blame myself, not entirely, but I wanted to recognise, be honest with myself and accept that I made the decision to involve myself in something which I knew was dangerous. It was dark, lonely and frightened me to comprehend that the way I was feeling was due to some of my own decisions.

 

You’ve got to stop blaming people, blaming society, blaming the world for your choices indirectly or not. We are society, you have a voice. Use it. I’m sick of hearing blame; life is hard it’s so god dam hard it knocks you to the curb a thousand times, sometimes the knock is so powerful that you don’t think you’ll ever be able to walk again.

 

But you can get up. You can accept your part in all of this and you can change, try harder, work harder, love harder, you can accept that people are bad, but people they are also good.

 

Learn and accept that it is harder to be nice.

 

Do you know that it is harder to be nice to people, it takes more strength to be nice to people, more muscles in your face to smile.

 

She decided that as hard as it was, all of it, she wasn’t going to spend her one life as a sellout. A sellout to love, a sellout to money, a sellout to the mainstream, a sellout to herself.

 

The hardest part of her journey had only just begun.

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Creating A Celebrity.

They’re up so high,

A diamond in a starry sky,

They entertain our wandering minds,

We watch as their story unwinds.

At first we buy a picture and stick it on the wall,

Dots in a crowd, unrecognisable, small.

We learn their song as they touch our heart

Then sit back entertained, as they fall apart.

 

Why do they strive for fame?

You’ve witnessed the pervious pain,

Why is it normal to make a wage,

From writing an ‘entertainment’ soul destroying page.

 

When I was younger I dreamt of that light.

Of being on stage and believed I had that fight.

But now I pity and I wonder why,

Talent is abused and we like to watch as they cry.

 

Tell me we don’t and it’s an unfortunate thing,

That a life is publicly shamed because they want to sing.

Tell me we’re not the ones feeding on their pain,

Tell me what a life destructed is making you gain?

 

Is it their fault for been on a stage,

Is it their fault for allowing to be photographed for their public page?

Is it a mixture of us both, fragile people who try,

But when does the story end, Amy Winehouse we watched her die.

The Liars.

You stole something from me,

That I don’t think I can regain.

I give you a piece of my magic.

And you, you gave me pain.

 

I carry this guilt,

And it looms over who I am,

I’m left a former version.

Tainted by a man.

 

I can’t remember what it felt like,

To feel confident and free.

Because you made me feel unworthy.

I became something I never thought I’d be.

 

I don’t know who you are?

I don’t think I ever really did..

Because I got lost in an adventure,

I was still behaving like a kid.

 

But now you’ve stripped me of the little girl.

Purity and all.

Because I got tangled in your lies,

And I no longer stand very tall.

 

One day I’ll forgive myself for the lie.

And I hope she forgives me too.

I hope one day you tell her.

I sincerely hope you become a better you.

 

You were never worth my truth,

Nor my pure heart and my gold.

Because a shallow existence,

Isn’t a story worth being told.

 

Goodbye to who I made you in my mind

Something far away from true,

Goodbye to a lie.

A lie that was you.